it's been all about the engagement/bridal/wedding/ pregnancy/baby/birthday announcements lately. they've been barfing up all over my newsfeed on facebook, instagram & twitter. clogging it up like a medieval toilet. i've been told, its just that time of the year.
uhhh pardon me?
no. it is not a season. giving up single-hood, entering parent-hood or celebrating your son's first birthday is not a season. there are only 4 seasons and they are related to the position of the sun and the moon. unless there's some weird sex trend where you only do-it during certain months.
idk, is that a thing?
i've just hit that time of my life. a season of life, maybe. i'm 26 years old & now i have to start hanging out with 19-year-olds if i want to be out past 10 pm on a saturday. or if i want to binge drink in a park, ever.
all of my other friends are:
a.) on a date with their fiance
b.) have to get up early for a dress fitting
c.) need to rest their swollen ankles
d.) or have to give up booze & sushi for 9 months.
9 whole months?
i'll adopt.
if you feel like i'm targeting you & your current lifestyle, well.
it's because i am.
sorry sister!
A Guide to Posting Baby Statuses
by: Your Single, Non-parent Friend
1. do not post a picture of something you put between your legs, then peed on. then stared at, motionless, for exactly 3 minutes. and then took a picture of with your iPhone, and then uploaded, captioned & posted without washing your hands. you sicko.
2. the new 3D ultrasounds make your unborn child look like an alien. we're already taking bets on who's deranged genetics will dominate their facial features. sorry. but do not make this your new profile picture.
3. the posting about morning sickness. has. got. to. stop. seriously. oh it's Wednesday and you threw up this morning? sweet me too. you don't see me blabbing about it. no one likes to hear about vomiting when they log onto social media, after successfully enjoying their own breakfast.
be courteous to others, New Mommy.
4. you know that completely peaceful, warm moment you experience in the instant riiiiight before you wake? well how would you like it if your dorky dad flipped on the light and started snapping pictures of you first thing in the morning? huh? and then what if he posted them on the internet for his friends to look at while you're still covered in a thick womby-mucous. give your kid some privacy, you creep. one measly minute into this world and the poor thing is already being gawked at butt-naked.
talk about violating.
now if you'll please excuse me.
it's thursday & i'm thirsty.
