progress

today marked my 23rd fitness class in 31 days.

for the record:

lifting gallons of milk no longer pulls my arm from its socket

pushups don't make me want to die

& arm jiggle? - think again.

this is the first gym membership that lasted through the honeymoon stage.

and best of all i've created healthy eating habits & maintained a realistic exercise plan to continue on this path.

sadly, maintained a realistic exercise plan sort of actually means, no more binge drinking or eating pizza late at night, which is a damn shame.

#collegedaysareover

but i gotta get that pre-engagement bod


and just so you know, i don't really obsess over fitness or calorie counting or engagements or binge drinking this much. it's just exciting that i'm starting to become not such a total weakling.

Dear Abby

i received a panicked text the other morning:

how do you get skid marks out of lace underwear?

my friend wants to know. 

given my expertise, there are several questions that immediately came to mind:

how large of a skid?

what color lace?

style of underwear?

color of skid?

length of time skid has been present?

for the record, if managed early the skid will not stain permanently.

i suggested to 'tell her friend' to stay calm & spray the skid with stain remover when she (or he?) got home. 

typically these skids do not remain forever.

unless they're those pesky period skids. 

in which case, just throw them away. 

#girlperks

#butnotreally

i really should have been an advice columnist.

false alarm #893

i walked through the door of the apartment:

the floor was swept

the dishes were washed

and put away

the counters were wiped

the trash was emptied

the table was set

the laundry was folded

the bed was made

and Mr. REA was beaming with pride. 

notice anything different?

i scanned the room for that little velvety box

#delusional

they are velvety right?

usually black, or maybe dark blue, right?

just so that i'll know when i see it.

#whatstheholdup

and now for a misquote

when those fancy new dressers came in,

we moved all our old clothes into them.

naturally.

in classic Mr. REA fashion, he demanded to know why i'm hoarding so many pairs of huge underwear

helloooo FYI they are called boy shorts & they are extremely comfortable you jerk.

the only reason women wear underwear is to seduce and arouse men.

those are neither seducing nor arousing.

destroy them.

he will also claim he has been severely misquoted on this topic.

...i know what i heard.