nearlyA

i call it a win whenever i can go to the store wearing a sports bra and hat without mistakenly being called 'sir'.

#smallchestprobs
#whyimsingle

#throwback

my cousin just reminded me of the time i flew to texas for a wedding. and after the reception, and after the after-party and after the after-after-party we stumbled back to the hotel room. and he reminded me that i couldn't remember which room was mine and that a woman came out of her room and threatened to call the cops on me if i didn't quiet down. i have no recollection of this harassment, but when i get drunk i actually start to become deaf though so i totally believe him. i didn't wake up in jail so that's how i know i wasn't arrested. i'm also cute, so that probably helped.

and now that we're on the topic, i don't think i've ever walked away from a wedding weekend without:
a) barfing
b) crying
c) dancing
d) my self-respect

#whyimsingle

destination weddings are awesome.

i'm going to a wedding in mexico this weekend.
i hope its open-bar & barf-tastic all at the same time.

#whyimsingle

priorities

last night i walked almost a mile roundtrip to the nearest drug store to get dry shampoo because i didn't plan on showering today. or tomorrow.

i stood in line with the dry shampoo, 5 baggies of sour patch kids and contemplated getting a miniature bamboo plant for 2.99 but then remembered all of  my houseplants have not lasted more than a month. buying this little guy would be suicide.

i walked all the way home then remembered there was no food in the house so i ate cereal for dinner.

#whyimsingle

baking

i baked recently, an old family recipe.
it was supposed to be a beautiful cinnamon-sugar coffee cake roll.

in reality, it was an exploded baby diaper filled with indian food.

did i eat it anyway?
of course.
directly from the pan, using only my bare hands and a dish towel.

#whyimsingle

my new favorite #hashtag

is it gross to eat chocolate chips while pooping?

#whyimsingle

the one-month res

to be totally honest, i love making NYE resolutions and i'm not even kidding.

i know this blog makes me seem like some sort of fiber-deprived, raging alcoholic (which let's face it, i am), but i also love setting goals and reaching them. gives me a weird high.

sort of like that 5th shot of the night.
makes you feel alive. ya know?

ok maybe you know that feeling, maybe you don't.
tomato, tomato.

k that didn't work.

whatever. moving on.

i'm totally a goal-setter-go-getter. i love a good challenge (like remember this little number?)

this month, and for this month only, i am challenging myself to no drinking.

alcohol.
no drinking alcohol. 

booze. the juice. happy milk.
whatever you want to call it.

i'm abstaining, for an entire month.
and then in february, i'll make a resolution to drink every day.

jk. jk people! that's college-talk.

so cheers to you, 2014, & your ridiculous new challenges.

#Target

i took a little trip back to Hometown to visit the fam & BFF before the holidays.

naturally i spent almost the entire 6 days in transit to/from or inside of, a Target store.

note: there are Target stores in The City.

like, a bunch of them.

i spent, oh idk, about nine-hundred-thousand dollars on unnecessary stationary, stickers, makeup, new clothes, shoes, stamps, gift wrap & tons of other things i can't even remember

#shopperprobz
#vacay


new years resolution:

have some goddamn moderation in 2014

friends forever

best friends really are the best thing in life

so much laughing

so much eating

so much drinking

so much saying weird things

so much doing weird things

and by 'doing weird things' i mean i just scored a free nail polish because i sniffed my BFF's rancid barefeet for more than 5 seconds without barfing.

those were the terms of the agreement.

'sniff my feet for more than 5 seconds without barfing, & you can have a free nail polish from me. any color'

i chose an Essie shade. had to make it count. 

baby statuses : a guide to online posting

it's been all about the engagement/bridal/wedding/ pregnancy/baby/birthday announcements lately. they've been barfing up all over my newsfeed on facebook, instagram & twitter. clogging it up like a medieval toilet. i've been told, its just that time of the year. 

uhhh pardon me?

no. it is not a season. giving up single-hood, entering parent-hood or celebrating your son's first birthday is not a season. there are only 4 seasons and they are related to the position of the sun and the moon. unless there's some weird sex trend where you only do-it during certain months.

idk, is that a thing?

i've just hit that time of my life. a season of life, maybe. i'm 26 years old & now i have to start hanging out with 19-year-olds if i want to be out past 10 pm on a saturday. or if i want to binge drink in a park, ever.

all of my other friends are:
a.) on a date with their fiance
b.) have to get up early for a dress fitting
c.) need to rest their swollen ankles
d.) or have to give up booze & sushi for 9 months.

9 whole months?
i'll adopt.

if you feel like i'm targeting you & your current lifestyle, well.
it's because i am.
sorry sister!



A Guide to Posting Baby Statuses
by: Your Single, Non-parent Friend

1. do not post a picture of something you put between your legs, then peed on. then stared at, motionless, for exactly 3 minutes. and then took a picture of with your iPhone, and then uploaded, captioned & posted without washing your hands. you sicko.

2. the new 3D ultrasounds make your unborn child look like an alien. we're already taking bets on who's deranged genetics will dominate their facial features. sorry. but do not make this your new profile picture.

3. the posting about morning sickness. has. got. to. stop. seriously. oh it's Wednesday and you threw up this morning? sweet me too. you don't see me blabbing about it. no one likes to hear about vomiting when they log onto social media, after successfully enjoying their own breakfast.
be courteous to others, New Mommy.

4. you know that completely peaceful, warm moment you experience in the instant riiiiight before you wake? well how would you like it if your dorky dad flipped on the light and started snapping pictures of you first thing in the morning? huh? and then what if he posted them on the internet for his friends to look at while you're still covered in a thick womby-mucous. give your kid some privacy, you creep. one measly minute into this world and the poor thing is already being gawked at butt-naked.
talk about violating.




now if you'll please excuse me.
it's thursday & i'm thirsty.