my brother informed me yesterday
via text message
that our mother installed new toilets in her home.
yay for new toilets!
he asked her about how they were working.
her reply:
they're good. you can flush 3 Big Macs down in one flush.
should be good enough to handle your sister's dumps.
for the record, the Big Mac she is referring to is the McDonald's burger.
not a large Macintosh computer.
with the special sauce.
bun-burger-bun-burger-bun
i believe is the pattern.
so whether or not she actually flushed 3 big macs down the toilet is still a mystery.
obviously the comparison here is that she thinks my turds are as hefty as 3 McDonald's meals.
and hey i'm not saying they aren't.
but comparing poop to food is a little gross.
i like Mcdonald's.
and now i'm hungry again.
great.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
just a note
while we're on the subject of
mushy romantic things Mr. REA does
we went out a few weeks ago with a group of friends. his friends are mostly single and the on the prowl type
a lifestyle i'm familiar with - get it girl!
if you could see my face
you'd know i was winking at you
poorly, but winking.
in reality if you could see my face
you'd probably think i was just blinking.
i'm embarrassing myself again.
we were out, and his friends were chatting up all the single ladies
(cue Beyonce please)
and Mr. REA pulled me in real close and whispered,
being single is awesome.
but i'd rather be with you.
and then my heart melted into a million thousand pieces.
i also tripped down the stairs that night.
and you better believe Mr. REA was right there to catch me.
literally.
mushy romantic things Mr. REA does
we went out a few weeks ago with a group of friends. his friends are mostly single and the on the prowl type
a lifestyle i'm familiar with - get it girl!
if you could see my face
you'd know i was winking at you
poorly, but winking.
in reality if you could see my face
you'd probably think i was just blinking.
i'm embarrassing myself again.
we were out, and his friends were chatting up all the single ladies
(cue Beyonce please)
and Mr. REA pulled me in real close and whispered,
being single is awesome.
but i'd rather be with you.
and then my heart melted into a million thousand pieces.
i also tripped down the stairs that night.
and you better believe Mr. REA was right there to catch me.
literally.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
saturday surprise
while i was away in Texas
having the time of my life
aka drinking and dancing and crying and barfing,
Mr. REA was plotting a surprise.
a Saturday Surprise.
hey babe, can't wait to see you.
i have something for you.
it's a surprise ;)
and-you-better-believe i thought it was an engagement ring.
but i also had a more realistic inkling that it was probably a KitchenAide mixer.
and i promised myself,
if it was a fatty diamond,
i would say yes yes yes.
and then
within that very same fantasy,
i promised myself
that if it was in fact a KitchenAide mixer,
that i would in fact
propose to Mr. REA.
so in my mind, i was getting engaged.
regardless of which surprise it was.
and when i arrived home,
hangover and all,
there was a beautiful white KitchenAide mixer
sparkling for me on my faux-granite counter tops.
and then i kissed Mr. REA on his handsome face until the sun came up.
because let's face it folks:
Mr. REA
is in fact
the best boyfriend
ever.
having the time of my life
aka drinking and dancing and crying and barfing,
Mr. REA was plotting a surprise.
a Saturday Surprise.
hey babe, can't wait to see you.
i have something for you.
it's a surprise ;)
and-you-better-believe i thought it was an engagement ring.
but i also had a more realistic inkling that it was probably a KitchenAide mixer.
and i promised myself,
if it was a fatty diamond,
i would say yes yes yes.
and then
within that very same fantasy,
i promised myself
that if it was in fact a KitchenAide mixer,
that i would in fact
propose to Mr. REA.
so in my mind, i was getting engaged.
regardless of which surprise it was.
and when i arrived home,
hangover and all,
there was a beautiful white KitchenAide mixer
sparkling for me on my faux-granite counter tops.
and then i kissed Mr. REA on his handsome face until the sun came up.
because let's face it folks:
Mr. REA
is in fact
the best boyfriend
ever.
Monday, February 25, 2013
the deets
as promised, here are the fabulous details of my most recent wedding weekend:
the ceremony was beautiful.
the reception was beautiful.
my cousin was beautiful.
i was beautiful.
...until about midnight.
then things turned ugly.
or i blacked out.
i'm not sure.
but i think both happened.
remember how red lipstick is always the answer?
well naturally when i asked myself,
what should i wear tonight?
i answered myself with:
red lipstick.
and so i wore it.
and it was fabulous.
until about midnight.
here are the facts leading up to about midnight:
it was an open bar.
which was awesome.
...until it wasn't.
you don't have to know me very well to know that any situation where i have open access to unlimited booze is literally the worse idea ever.
but i digress.
me + open bar = dance floor diva
i danced and danced.
and danced.
and danced and danced and danced and danced.
and then we got on a trolley and went to a bar near the hotel.
and then i sat at the bar with my cousins.
and i cried.
and cried.
and cried and cried.
and then we went to the patio.
and i smelled cigarette smoke.
and i thought of my grandma.
and i cried.
and cried and cried and cried.
and cried.
and then i drank some more.
and cried some more.
like a drunk baby.
i cried like a drunk baby.
according to my other cousin, we got back to the hotel and i couldn't find my room.
my hotel neighbor threatened to call the cops on me.
my hotel neighbor threatened to the cops on a drunk 25-year-old- baby wearing red lipstick.
and now, my last remaining single cousin has hard-core evidence of me.
legs wrapped around the toilet.
face in the bowl.
wearing nothing but a sports bra and a thong.
and red lipstick.
classy as always.
how i got the sports bra on is a mystery.
how i changed in a hotel room with my cousins, into a sports bra without anyone seeing me, is also a mystery.
i should have been a detective.
my cousin thought i was throwing up blood.
or that i hit my head on the toilet so hard i was bleeding.
but it was neither. it was the fabulous red lipstick.
all.over.the.toilet.seat.
i can now say, i have literally kissed a toilet bowl.
am i proud?
not really.
a friend later suggested i get a Hep B shot, considering my face and lips were actually touching the toilet seat.
i brushed my teeth.
i think i'll be fine.
was this a low point?
of course.
but was it my lowest?
not by far.
and i didn't lose anything this weekend.
except maybe my dignity.
well played, Texas.
well played.
the ceremony was beautiful.
the reception was beautiful.
my cousin was beautiful.
i was beautiful.
...until about midnight.
then things turned ugly.
or i blacked out.
i'm not sure.
but i think both happened.
remember how red lipstick is always the answer?
well naturally when i asked myself,
what should i wear tonight?
i answered myself with:
red lipstick.
and so i wore it.
and it was fabulous.
until about midnight.
here are the facts leading up to about midnight:
it was an open bar.
which was awesome.
...until it wasn't.
you don't have to know me very well to know that any situation where i have open access to unlimited booze is literally the worse idea ever.
but i digress.
me + open bar = dance floor diva
i danced and danced.
and danced.
and danced and danced and danced and danced.
and then we got on a trolley and went to a bar near the hotel.
and then i sat at the bar with my cousins.
and i cried.
and cried.
and cried and cried.
and then we went to the patio.
and i smelled cigarette smoke.
and i thought of my grandma.
and i cried.
and cried and cried and cried.
and cried.
and then i drank some more.
and cried some more.
like a drunk baby.
i cried like a drunk baby.
according to my other cousin, we got back to the hotel and i couldn't find my room.
my hotel neighbor threatened to call the cops on me.
my hotel neighbor threatened to the cops on a drunk 25-year-old- baby wearing red lipstick.
and now, my last remaining single cousin has hard-core evidence of me.
legs wrapped around the toilet.
face in the bowl.
wearing nothing but a sports bra and a thong.
and red lipstick.
classy as always.
how i got the sports bra on is a mystery.
how i changed in a hotel room with my cousins, into a sports bra without anyone seeing me, is also a mystery.
i should have been a detective.
my cousin thought i was throwing up blood.
or that i hit my head on the toilet so hard i was bleeding.
but it was neither. it was the fabulous red lipstick.
all.over.the.toilet.seat.
i can now say, i have literally kissed a toilet bowl.
am i proud?
not really.
a friend later suggested i get a Hep B shot, considering my face and lips were actually touching the toilet seat.
i brushed my teeth.
i think i'll be fine.
was this a low point?
of course.
but was it my lowest?
not by far.
and i didn't lose anything this weekend.
except maybe my dignity.
well played, Texas.
well played.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
the generals
i know you probably have a million questions about my wild wedding weekend.
or maybe just a few.
or one.
or none.
regardless, here are the answers to the questions you didn't even know you had:
1. was it awesome?
yes.
2. drinks?
open bar.
3. barfs?
of course.
4. did you dance?
like no one was watching.
5. do you remember getting back to the hotel?
nope.
that's just a little teaser to hold you over until i get the deets ironed out.
or maybe just a few.
or one.
or none.
regardless, here are the answers to the questions you didn't even know you had:
1. was it awesome?
yes.
2. drinks?
open bar.
3. barfs?
of course.
4. did you dance?
like no one was watching.
5. do you remember getting back to the hotel?
nope.
that's just a little teaser to hold you over until i get the deets ironed out.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
tis the season
can we all just agree that weddings are the best things ever?
unless you're divorced.
but then maybe you got remarried.
so then technically weddings would still be the best thing ever.
unless you got divorced, but then didn't get remarried.
or unless you've never been married.
and don't even want to get married. ever.
so maybe we can't all agree that weddings are the best things ever.
regardless -
I'M GOING TO ANOTHER WEDDING!
AND I AM SO EXCITED.
one of my many beautiful cousins is tying the knot this weekend.
which means, in less than 24 hours i will be happily reunited with my wacky family for a weekend full of food, booze and Texas.
but mostly booze.
the last time i was in Texas, i attended
World Fest 2011
aka heavy day-drinking of international brews in a park somewhere.
and who says i'm not cultured?
then we went out night-drinking aka regular drinking, and i barfed in the bathroom at the bar.
in my defense. my cousin did describe it as, the daintiest barf she'd ever heard.
oh and then we got kicked out of a western bar, the kind with live bull riding.
and that was a real shame.
my only goal this weekend is not to mack on anyone i'm related to.
wish me luck !
unless you're divorced.
but then maybe you got remarried.
so then technically weddings would still be the best thing ever.
unless you got divorced, but then didn't get remarried.
or unless you've never been married.
and don't even want to get married. ever.
so maybe we can't all agree that weddings are the best things ever.
regardless -
I'M GOING TO ANOTHER WEDDING!
AND I AM SO EXCITED.
one of my many beautiful cousins is tying the knot this weekend.
which means, in less than 24 hours i will be happily reunited with my wacky family for a weekend full of food, booze and Texas.
but mostly booze.
the last time i was in Texas, i attended
World Fest 2011
aka heavy day-drinking of international brews in a park somewhere.
and who says i'm not cultured?
then we went out night-drinking aka regular drinking, and i barfed in the bathroom at the bar.
in my defense. my cousin did describe it as, the daintiest barf she'd ever heard.
oh and then we got kicked out of a western bar, the kind with live bull riding.
and that was a real shame.
my only goal this weekend is not to mack on anyone i'm related to.
wish me luck !
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
friendly reminder
a friend just reminded me of a time:
i was watching tv with some guy friends.
and i started to fall asleep.
then i farted.
and i woke myself up.
and i hoped no one would notice.
but of course, they did.
did you just fart?
is that why you woke up?
thankfully, i was able to recover from that embarrassment.
but years later it happened again.
we were out at the lake with some other guy friends.
it was late
and we were watching tv in the hotel.
and i started to fall asleep.
and then i farted.
and they noticed.
did you just fart yourself awake?
ew.
this may or may not explain the exponential decrease in my slumber party activity.
i was watching tv with some guy friends.
and i started to fall asleep.
then i farted.
and i woke myself up.
and i hoped no one would notice.
but of course, they did.
did you just fart?
is that why you woke up?
thankfully, i was able to recover from that embarrassment.
but years later it happened again.
we were out at the lake with some other guy friends.
it was late
and we were watching tv in the hotel.
and i started to fall asleep.
and then i farted.
and they noticed.
did you just fart yourself awake?
ew.
this may or may not explain the exponential decrease in my slumber party activity.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
superbowl sunday
Mr. REA's team made it to the super bowl.
this has created what i consider to be a high-stakes situation.
if they win, well that's a guaranteed party-all-night-call-in-sick-to-work situation.
if they lose, it'll will be a drink-all-night-call-in-sick-to-work-because-i'm-on-suicide-watch-for-my-boyfriend-situation.
Soooo either way, we're looking at either a big win, or a huge loss.
Happy Sunday everyone.
this has created what i consider to be a high-stakes situation.
if they win, well that's a guaranteed party-all-night-call-in-sick-to-work situation.
if they lose, it'll will be a drink-all-night-call-in-sick-to-work-because-i'm-on-suicide-watch-for-my-boyfriend-situation.
Soooo either way, we're looking at either a big win, or a huge loss.
Happy Sunday everyone.
Friday, February 1, 2013
commitments
a short conversation with Mr. REA:
me: my car insurance renewal is this month. ugh.
Mr. REA: how much is it? i'll pay for it. and i should get added onto the plan anyway.
so tell me, is this what being a grown-up is like?
sharing car insurance policies?
according to me and both of my friends,
we're practically engaged.
how long do auto insurance policies last anyway?
oh, only 6 months.
well we're still practically engaged.
right?
let's hope i can get the full refund back on those Save the Dates, just in case.
me: my car insurance renewal is this month. ugh.
Mr. REA: how much is it? i'll pay for it. and i should get added onto the plan anyway.
so tell me, is this what being a grown-up is like?
sharing car insurance policies?
according to me and both of my friends,
we're practically engaged.
how long do auto insurance policies last anyway?
oh, only 6 months.
well we're still practically engaged.
right?
let's hope i can get the full refund back on those Save the Dates, just in case.
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