as promised, here are the fabulous details of my most recent wedding weekend:
the ceremony was beautiful.
the reception was beautiful.
my cousin was beautiful.
i was beautiful.
...until about midnight.
then things turned ugly.
or i blacked out.
i'm not sure.
but i think both happened.
remember how red lipstick is always the answer?
well naturally when i asked myself,
what should i wear tonight?
i answered myself with:
red lipstick.
and so i wore it.
and it was fabulous.
until about midnight.
here are the facts leading up to about midnight:
it was an open bar.
which was awesome.
...until it wasn't.
you don't have to know me very well to know that any situation where i have open access to unlimited booze is literally the worse idea ever.
but i digress.
me + open bar = dance floor diva
i danced and danced.
and danced.
and danced and danced and danced and danced.
and then we got on a trolley and went to a bar near the hotel.
and then i sat at the bar with my cousins.
and i cried.
and cried.
and cried and cried.
and then we went to the patio.
and i smelled cigarette smoke.
and i thought of my grandma.
and i cried.
and cried and cried and cried.
and cried.
and then i drank some more.
and cried some more.
like a drunk baby.
i cried like a drunk baby.
according to my other cousin, we got back to the hotel and i couldn't find my room.
my hotel neighbor threatened to call the cops on me.
my hotel neighbor threatened to the cops on a drunk 25-year-old- baby wearing red lipstick.
and now, my last remaining single cousin has hard-core evidence of me.
legs wrapped around the toilet.
face in the bowl.
wearing nothing but a sports bra and a thong.
and red lipstick.
classy as always.
how i got the sports bra on is a mystery.
how i changed in a hotel room with my cousins, into a sports bra without anyone seeing me, is also a mystery.
i should have been a detective.
my cousin thought i was throwing up blood.
or that i hit my head on the toilet so hard i was bleeding.
but it was neither. it was the fabulous red lipstick.
all.over.the.toilet.seat.
i can now say, i have literally kissed a toilet bowl.
am i proud?
not really.
a friend later suggested i get a Hep B shot, considering my face and lips were actually touching the toilet seat.
i brushed my teeth.
i think i'll be fine.
was this a low point?
of course.
but was it my lowest?
not by far.
and i didn't lose anything this weekend.
except maybe my dignity.
well played, Texas.
well played.
