in nineteen days, i'll be at my 8th wedding
in 3 years.
on average, that's one wedding every 4.5 months.
is that normal?
my mom & dad each remarried
and both my brothers & my sister had weddings within 10 months of each other.
i'd say, no. that's probably not normal.
i'm going broke from
the airline tickets
the hotels
the rental cars
the gifts
& the outfits
but on the bright side,
the debt accrued on my high-interest credit card has bought me some knowledge that will be useful when the time finally comes to make my Pinterest wedding a delicious reality:
{hire a dj}
no one wants to listen to your friend's-boyfriend's-cousin's-twin's-uncle's band covering Yanni's Greatest Hits.
i repeat, no one.
{a groom's cake is unnecessary}
men barely look at things before diving right in.
this self-proclaimed theory includes food, women & IKEA furniture.
{long traditional ceremonies are b-o-r-i-n-g}
sitting in a church listening to a Holy Man (or Woman) carry on-&-on brings many people back to the days of their childhood, when they were forced to sit silently in church on wooden pews with no lumbar support. then there's the bridal party, standing up there, in heels, in front of everyone trying not to make eye contact with the groomsmen across the way for fear of giggling uncontrollably during the ceremony. short & sweet, people. keep it short & sweet. we already know you love each other, no need to back it up with 8,200 bible references & citations.
{don't stress over centerpieces}
they are centerpieces for crying out loud. they go on the table. they don't have to match.
humans are self-centered by nature & tend to only look at what's directly in front of them.
so don't let them cost a fortune. what the hell are you going to do with 15 leftover cubic zirconium-studded swan vases anyway?
{bridezillas* happen} & they're annoyiiiiiing.
note: don't be one. unless you actually are a multi-billion dollar A-list celebrity. then by all means, go ahead and act like a frantic b-word to all your adoring friends & family on your last day as a single woman. go ahead.
{open bars are dangerous} in theory open bars are your best friend. in reality, they make you dance all night, then leave you waking up on the bathroom floor with unanswered questions. in which case, open bars are still my best friend. they warrant a use-at-your-own-risk warning sign. maybe on a little DIY chalkboard sign on the counter? just an idea.
{unforeseen changes will need to be made}
note: don't panic. see note about bridezillas*.
{dance floors are a must} when else will anyone get to bump & grind with their hot cousins? am i the only one with hot cousins? is that weird?
{chair covers are frivolous} they get spilled on, farted on and torn by sharp objects. they're just another thing nobody notices.
{practice your MOH / Best Man speech}
in front of a mirror. more than once. unless you're a professional public speaker, you probably don't talk to large groups very often. or ever. even if you were the star of your high school speech&debate team, that was years ago, you nerd. you've lost the talent. practice the speech so the guests don't perceive you as a rambling idiot when you forget the punchline or laugh uncontrollably about how you met the bride, especially if the stories aren't even funny.
{flowers} two words: they die.
don't invest your entire dowry in floral arrangements.
think outside the vase.
ya see what i did there?
{programs} no one wants to read a novel. not in a church. not in a backyard wedding. not on the beach with their feet in the sand. pick a cute font, think of the most important thing you want everyone to know, and put that on a little square sheet of paper. note: unless all of your guests are scrapbooking hoarders, these programs will be thrown away, lost, forgotten, carried away in the wind, chewed on by their pet, used as scratch paper, or in the best case scenario - recycled.
so don't waste paper.
{bridesmaids} attention bride: yes the day is entirely about you. we get it. but chances are, your bridesmaids are single & using your wedding as a chance to hook up with your groom's cute friend. so take that into consideration and don't force them to wear heinous dresses in heinous colors. making your bridesmaids look like 1980's prom queens reflects poorly on your taste. this is America! don't be the Wedding Dictator. the 8th amendment protects them from cruel & unusual punishment. unless you want your husband to be your only remaining friend, allow your bridesmaids (in theory, your best friends) the opportunity to look & feel their best all night, without worrying that their beehive hair-do is going to flop over, or that the hair extensions (you required them to wear) fall out while they're making out in the elevator during the after-party. remember - all of the attention is already on you. let them wear something flattering you psycho.
{RSVPs} general statement: wedding or party or whatever it is, not RSVPing is rude. tell the host you can't go! don't blatantly ignore a question posed directly at you. that's just selfish.
{desserts} yes. please have desserts. and please invite me to your wedding. or just to the reception. where ever you're serving the desserts. i'll be there. but i have this to say: huge cakes are a thing of the past. they're a mess to cut, there's always too much leftover, it doesn't save very well, & helloooo cake is fattening. hopefully you spent at least a little bit of time during your engagement-period at the gym getting into the best shape of your life. hate to break it to ya, but never again will so many pictures be taken of you. do you really want your wedding album to be full of pictures of you looking like a whale stuffing your face with cake, and then having to eat cake for dessert every night for the next year because you paid a fortune for it and want to get your money's worth? the answer is no. nobody wants that for themselves. so lay off the cake. with the invention of Pinterest, you can instantly search over a million variations of wedding dessert tables that do not include a $2000 cake. so pick one.
and that's all i have to say about that.
excuse me while i go grab a brownie from the break room.
