mystery

so here's an interesting situation.

first. man gets up from bed
second. man goes into bathroom
third. man locks door
fourth. man turns on shower
fifth. shower runs for 15 minutes
sixth. man turns off shower
seventh. man flushes toilet
eighth. man washes hands
ninth. man comes back into bed
tenth. mans hair and body have not been washed.

a quick note to men everywhere:
you are not as sneaky as you think.

Mr. Cuddle Fish

There's a fun, fancy event on Thursday nights in The City where you can get dressed up - or not - and go drink at the science museum.

Booze & Science.
a match made in heaven.

They dim the lights, pump up the music and put a drink in your hand. Now there's a recipe for makin babies.

As you can imagine, it lends itself nicely to boozing and cruising around the museum with other classy intellectual types. We spent the night on the prowl scoping out other people who are smart, but still like to party. Those are my kinds of peeps.

or so I thought.

While in line for drinks, I carefully eavesdropped on my girl A while she was oh-so-cleverly being hit on.

If that tank breaks, you better watch out. I hear those fish only eat cute girls. You and your friends are in trouble. 


what. a. smooth. talker.
Had he been cuter, of course I would have proclaimed him a genius on the spot.

I'll admit it was borderline flattering, seeing as how I'm one of her friends. In a round-about way, he was complimenting me. And we all know I'll do just about anything for a compliment. or a dollar. or dinner. or a puppy. or a blog post. let's get back to the story...

He introduces himself to The Entourage. We were rolling about 10 deep, he and his friend must have been intimidated. Mad props for approaching us.

Have you seen the Cuddle Fish?


-No, we haven't. what is that?


Oh you HAVE to see it. The Cuddle Fish is the best.


I was not about to lose my place in line at the bar to go find some silly Cuddle fish.
He understood.

Later that night....

We bump into him near the jelly fish tanks.

Oh hey strangers! Have you found the Cuddle Fish yet?


notice two things. yes we really are strangers. and anyone who uses the word cuddle this many times makes me uncomfortable. no exceptions to that rule.

-oh haha, no we haven't found it yet. 

well follow us. we'll show you.

We then proceed to follow these two men, one of whom is unfortunately 5-foot-nothing, into a dark corner of the aquarium. You already know that I have a history of following suspicious men into suspicious places. So this shouldn't surprise you.

oh no. the cuddle fish isn't out. he must be hiding. 

They then stood there in the dark corner, unsure of their next move.

anybody else just get a flash back from 7 minutes in heaven?

no? oh yah me neither.

I wasn't sure of their true intentions. But my feet hurt and oh look at the time. bye.

To make up for the anticlimactic ending, I'll save you a google search.

Baby Cuddle Fish: awwwww

Grown Up Cuddle Fish:

My next boyfriend: That's a cuddle fish tattoo people. a tattoo. 

friend-of-a-friend

While I was doing my online research last week, I came across a familiar face. Well I'll be honest, what first caught my eye was not the familiar face. It was the tuxedo T he was wearing in the profile picture. You already know how I feel about profile pictures.

Note: I had a boyfriend once who wore tuxedo T's like a champ. Hi G-Man. I know you read this.

Alright so I see Mr. Tuxedo T, I make my assumptions. I click on the profile to gather some material for my writing assignment when I notice two things.

A) He's cute.
B) I know him.

In that moment, my Online World and my Real World collided.

mind. blown.

What do you do when you come across your friend's roommate on a free dating website?

You send a saucy message of course.

By saucy I mean bland. I believe we've already discussed my flirting abilities. or lack thereof.

Now I see how it feels to be on the other side of the Sympathy Date.

Holler.

OnlinePredator2

Via Instant Messaging:

OnlinePredator2: you look familiar

oh shit.

OnlinePredator2: maybe ive seen you at a party or sumthin


(you should find this bit hilarious, like I've ever been invited to a party.)

Me: haha, yah maybe. 

OnlinePredator2: where do you live?
(the online-types are always curious to know my location.)

Me: near The Park.

OnlinePredator2: whats your cell?

Me: thats not something im comfortable giving out online, sorry

OnlinePredator2: what do you think will happen? lighten up. 

a. you will tap my phone line
b. you will trace my number to my exact location
c. you will run my license plate number
d. you will show up at my place of work
e. you will break into my garage
f. you will judge my web browser cookies
g. you'll hack my instagram account
h. you'll realize I look nothing like my profile pictures
i. you'll flirt with my friends
j. you'll sleep with my friends
k. you'll friend C$ on facebook
l. you'll judge my coffee consumption
m. you'll text me. ugh.
n. I'm paranoid. the list goes on.

OnlinePredator2: i wouldn't imagine the demand is high enough to warrant alarm

Me: excuse me?

OnlinePredator2 has signed off.

go to hell, you online predator.

confessions of a relationship blogger.

Now that the messages are coming in like hot cakes, (is that the correct expression? how fast would you say hot cakes come in at? 1 or 2 every-other day?)

Regardless, I've got a confession to make.

This isn't easy for me to admit, but everything I know about online dating I learned from You've Got Mail starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks.

Translation - I know nothing about online dating. or regular dating really.

Hm...You don't seem surprised.

I'm not embarrassed. I'm sure there are other people who are wondering the same things I am.

Having said that, I'm curious:

- Are there rules for online dating?

- Should I be telling all of my friends that I'm doing this?

- How long do I wait before I reply to a message from a hottie?

- How do you avoid looking desperate?

- How many pictures of myself do I put up?

- Should I include photos in which I'm eating popsicles?

- What about bananas?

- twinkies?

- hotdogs?

- How do you describe yourself in a tastefully confident manner?

- What do you do when you see someone from the Online World, at a bar in the Real World?

- What is flirting and how do you do it?

- When do I start initiating a meeting?

- Or do I wait for the man to ask me out?

- Which comes first - dinner or coffee?

- Is it too forward to suggest meeting at a hotel?

- What do you do when you're surfing for hotties and come across your friend's roommate's profile?

- How do you wear yoga pants all day without getting camel toe?

- Should I have listed blowjobs under the Things I'm Good At tab?

- Why is 69 such a funny number?

- Is it true what they say about the size of the boat and the motion of the ocean?

- What is that a metaphor for?

- Is it normal to love Call Me Maybe this much?

- Where do babies come from?

Thanks guys. It felt good to let all that out.

The Return of Mr. REA

I knew this day would come.
It eventually always does, doesn't it?

You have a new message from Mr. REA. 

I did not anticipate it saying
I miss you. I'm sorry. I want to see you. 

Or maybe I did. I am fabulous.
Of course he misses me.

In the words of some famous person,
'I ain't no holler back girl'.

I can't help but think, WWCBD?

What Would Carrie Bradshaw Do?

sex-crazed lunatics need-not apply

...no seriously.

Last week I was propositioned online to grab hot chocolate down by a popular park in The City.
After carefully reviewing this individual's profile, I came to the sudden realization that he might in deed be a sex-a-holic.

Did I agree to meet him anyway?

Of course. 

Will I do just about anything for a good blog post?

Of course. 

You may be wondering, what qualifies him as a sex-a-holic?

a. he listed threesomes as one of the Six Things He Can't Live Without
b. he listed sex as one of his many Talents
c. he is interested in meeting women who are open to new experiences
d. he is polyamorous
e. that means 'many loves'
f. he is interested in casual sex

So whatever, he sounds cute right?
We agree to meet.

The day before our big date, he messages me to let me know that he is no longer going to be using The Website. He leaves me his phone number and asks me to call him in the morning to confirm our date.

Now here's the part where you're going to be proud of me.

Do I call him to confirm?

Of course not. 


Were you really thinking that I did?

I was not about to let Mr. McNasty be in possession of these digits.

Cha right, no way.

And that, my friends, is how I blew off my first online date.

Impressed?

red lipstick

Is there anything more fun than wearing red lipstick for a night out on the prowl?

Of course not. Red lipstick is the best. 

What's not fun about red lipstick is when you stumble home at 3 am and don't wash your face before you go to bed. Ever been down that road? 

Yikes. 

Nothing quite like waking up with that once-fabulous red lipstick smeared all over your face and white bed sheets the next day. 

Oh good morning Joker, why so serious? 

huh?

To protect the identity of this person I will refer to him only as OnlinePredator1.

I recieved a message from him. Lucky me, I know.

OnlinePredator1: Are you a girl?


My first thought of course was, are you a moron? OF COURSE I'M A GIRL.

Anyway, I held my tongue and replied simply.

Me: Is that your pickup line?


OnlinePredator1 then proceeded to IM me a thousand times blabbing about some trip he just went on. Ugh. SO annoying. I hadn't said more than 3 words back to him when he threw a curve ball.

OnlinePredator1: Let's continue our communication via Facebook or texting. My number is 555-6969. What's yours?

Me: I'm actually more comfortable communicating on The Website for now. 

OnlinePredator1 has signed off. 


That's right, OnlinePredator1, you better sign off. And let it be known that if I hear from you again, I will most definitely sic the people from To Catch A Predator on your ass. I'm sure it won't be the first time.

Stamos: Round 1

Is there anymore more fun than a first date?

But have you ever had to almost call off a first date for any of the following reasons:
a. you hated all of your clothes
b. the stress caused your adult acne come out of hiding
c. your hair wouldn't listen to you because it wears the pants in your relationship

This scenario may otherwise be referred to as an E! Fashion Emergency.

What?

Oh right. Yah, me neither....

I finally decided on that short little brown polka-dot number from Nordstrom. (BFF you know what I'm talking about.) and the red heels. They're my fav. obvi.

Well I showed up late, naturally. 

I had John Stamos waiting almost 20 minutes. 

I'm a real winner. 

The cab ride over made me feel car sick. 

Most cab rides make me feel car sick.

As I've mentioned before, there are certain criteria involved when analyzing whether I will or will not call a date back. All of these things can be assessed within the first 10 minutes:

- you tell me I look nice : check!
- we maintain a good conversation : check!
- you offer to pay : check!
- you make me laugh : check!
- you're dressed appropriately : check!
- you're cute as hell : double check!

Stamos, you passed the test.

Oh and dinner was delicious.

I know you're dying to hear all the dirty deets, but I'm not one to kiss and tell.

Uh except for yes I absolutely am so let's get this party started.

Is there anything more sexy than a man with a clean apartment? Except maybe Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall, but that goes without saying.

Putting that aside, let's talk something very serious.

samurai. swords. in. the. living. room.

yes friends, you read that correctly.

I'm not sure which was more intimidating, the swords or his massive shoe collection. I was traumatized by both.

Yes, it was a sleepless night. thanks for asking. and I already know what you're thinking. So I'll set the record straight right now. The night was sleepless not from the bow-chikka-wow-wow. But from someone's snoring. 

Hint. It was not my own.

way to go, Stamos.

good thing you're cute as hell.