for the ladies

this is for all the women out there who spent all of their time learning how to be fabulous and not enough time learning how to feed themselves.
or their families.

well this book is for you. it's a kitchen book for girls who think they can't cook.

#brilliant

www.thekitchenbookforgirls.blogspot.com

take a look. order a copy. make a donation. share it with your friends. like the facebook page. follow it on twitter. whatever. support this idea!

happy 26th

celebrating your 26th birthday at your favorite bar with all your friends is so so so fun...

...until you get home & you do that really cute thing where you go to the bathroom and clog the toilet and barf all over the rug at the same time.

and then you realize its pizza barf.
and the rug is white.
and new.

#ruined

then you panic because your boyfriend is home.
then you panic because the plunger isn't working.

then you remember that you're trashed.
& then you remember that you don't have time for this shit.

literally.

so you leave the bathroom as-is.

aka a stage 5 biohazard.

and you go to bed.

and your drunk-self says to you,
it'll all get sorted out in the morning.

you wake up.

your bathroom is covered in pizza-vomit.

it is clear that nothing was sorted out while you were asleep.

you are able to plunge the toilet enough times that all the yucky brown water dissipates.
this is your favorite trick.

you throw the rug in the wash.
after one cycle it is stained orange.

four cycles later - the stains are out.

the boyfriend wakes up.
he is none the wiser.

#relationshipsaved

lately

i've been known to compare this blog to a child. a baby. or a pet.

i now know that it is much more comparable to a house plant.

if you've ever owned a plant before, you know you can only neglect it until the point right before it begins to die. then water it a million times to bring it back to life.

rinse & repeat.

when this theory is applied to anything other than houseplants & blogs, it is considered abuse.

#nowyouknow

progress

today marked my 23rd fitness class in 31 days.

for the record:

lifting gallons of milk no longer pulls my arm from its socket

pushups don't make me want to die

& arm jiggle? - think again.

this is the first gym membership that lasted through the honeymoon stage.

and best of all i've created healthy eating habits & maintained a realistic exercise plan to continue on this path.

sadly, maintained a realistic exercise plan sort of actually means, no more binge drinking or eating pizza late at night, which is a damn shame.

#collegedaysareover

but i gotta get that pre-engagement bod


and just so you know, i don't really obsess over fitness or calorie counting or engagements or binge drinking this much. it's just exciting that i'm starting to become not such a total weakling.

Dear Abby

i received a panicked text the other morning:

how do you get skid marks out of lace underwear?

my friend wants to know. 

given my expertise, there are several questions that immediately came to mind:

how large of a skid?

what color lace?

style of underwear?

color of skid?

length of time skid has been present?

for the record, if managed early the skid will not stain permanently.

i suggested to 'tell her friend' to stay calm & spray the skid with stain remover when she (or he?) got home. 

typically these skids do not remain forever.

unless they're those pesky period skids. 

in which case, just throw them away. 

#girlperks

#butnotreally

i really should have been an advice columnist.

false alarm #893

i walked through the door of the apartment:

the floor was swept

the dishes were washed

and put away

the counters were wiped

the trash was emptied

the table was set

the laundry was folded

the bed was made

and Mr. REA was beaming with pride. 

notice anything different?

i scanned the room for that little velvety box

#delusional

they are velvety right?

usually black, or maybe dark blue, right?

just so that i'll know when i see it.

#whatstheholdup

and now for a misquote

when those fancy new dressers came in,

we moved all our old clothes into them.

naturally.

in classic Mr. REA fashion, he demanded to know why i'm hoarding so many pairs of huge underwear

helloooo FYI they are called boy shorts & they are extremely comfortable you jerk.

the only reason women wear underwear is to seduce and arouse men.

those are neither seducing nor arousing.

destroy them.

he will also claim he has been severely misquoted on this topic.

...i know what i heard.

no subject

let's take a break from all the crap & poop & poop & crap stories for just a sec.

---

okay people, the break is over.

it was short-lived, i know.
but i'm hard pressed to find another topic of interest right this very minute.

remember those fantastic fitness classes i started?

well the good news is - i'm still doing them!

the poop news is - i farted my way through an entire 55-minute workout today.

and yesterday.

thank the lord baby jesus for the circulating fans & high intensity music or someone would have been onto me.

i can't help what this new high-protein diet is doing to my system.

#fartprobz
#sowhatimgross
#realtalk

crappy cruise

three years ago i went on a cruise with my boyfriend-at-the-time

and i crapped my pants on the first day.
in the security line.
and i'm not even kidding.

it went like this:

we were waiting in line.

i felt something creep its way out of my b-hole.
i panicked.

all of the bathrooms were on the other side of the security gate.

i whispered to Gman:
i seriously just pooped myself.

what? no you didn't

yes. yes i absolutely did.
i know what i felt.

no you didn't.

i bet you $10 you didn't.

well. you already know who won that bet.

but then he reminded me that you're not really the winner if you're the one who shit your pants.

solid advice

it is better to fart into a toilet

than crap into your pants

being someone who has crapped their pants more than once in the adult life, this advice truly hits home.

so thank you, Gman
for this kind reminder.

Happy Thursday everyone.