Although I'm typically a pretty flexible person, being picky is definitely something I've learned to be good at. A big shout-out & thank you (or an F-you, it depends) to all of my previous relationships, for helping me learn what it is that I am certainly not looking for. And a little bit of what I'm seeking.
You may find yourself wondering, 'Well what are you seeking?' After only a few hours of surfing the online dating pool, I have compiled a general sense of what to pass & what to pursue. Unfortunately for me, the ones I've chosen to pursue have yet to contact me back. Nothing quite like being rejected on a free dating website. More on that later.
In what I refer to as the Real World, generally speaking I have a list of criteria when it comes to looking at whether or not a second date is in order.
Will call you back:
- you tell me I look nice
- we maintain a good conversation
- you offer to pay
- you make me laugh
- you're dressed appropriately
- you're cute as hell
Will not call you back:
- your finger nails are longer than mine
- your finger nails are dirty
- you tell me you have a pet cat
- your teeth make me gag
- you're unemployed
- you have hair where it shouldn't be
- you're balding
- you tell me you love disney movies, or musicals
- you throw a recyclable item into the trash can
- you tell me you hate dogs
- you tell me you're obsessed with dogs
- you have a barb-wire tattoo on your biceps
- you leave your phone on the table during dinner
Will call the cops on you:
- you follow me home
- you show up at my work
- I google your name and the results scare me
In what I refer to as the Online World, I have now created a separate list of criteria when it comes to passing or pursuing men.
Pursue:
- ages 25-30
- single
- employed
- cute as hell
Pass:
- you refer to your beard as "face tentacles"
- you include baby pictures on your profile
- you mention anime. at all. ever.
- you have a unibrow
- you admit to loving pro-wrestling
- you have children my age
- you physically resemble any of my high school band directors
- you admit that on friday nights you enjoy "being a werepanda, roaming the streets of The City, in ravenous search of bamboo" I'm sorry. WTF
- you admit that you "aren't really a werepanda, it's just something I say to impress potential dates"
- you list sex as your favorite activity
- you're 30 but look 13
- you have facial tattoos - including the neck area
- your user name is 'mrfuckface'
- you list dandelions as your favorite flower
- you describe yourself as a 'dorkiosaurus rex'
- you're 25 but look 45
- you mention sex 3 or more times in your intro
- you're under 5'11"
- you have poor grammar or didn't use spell check
BLOCK:
- you ask for my address
- anyone who lists threesomes as one of the '6 items they can't live without'
- you send me a message telling me that you'd like to 'give me a sensual full-body massage with a happy ending'
It is possible to be both picky and desperate?
